Challenge Negative thinking
Its time to start challenging negative thinking when you seem to be putting yourself down time and time again, telling yourself that you cant' do something or that your just not good enough to have a better life. You are good enough and you can have a better life. Don't ever let anyone or any circumstance prevent you from changing your life for the better. You are not trapped where you are and you have the Choice right now to change the way you think. Here are some questions you could start ask yourself when you catch your self worrying or immobilizing yourself with negative thoughts of fear.
20 questions to challenge your negative thoughts
1. What is the evidence?
Am I confusing a thought with a fact? The fact that you believe something to be true, does not mean that it is. Does what you think fit the facts? Would it be accepted as true by other people? Would it stand up in court, or be dismissed as circumstantial? What evidence do you have to back up your thoughts, and what evidence is there against them?
e.g. When I met Peter in the street today, he didn't smile at me. I must have done something to offend him.
Possible Answer It is true that he didn't smile at me, but I have no reason to think that he is off with me. It was probably nothing at all to do with me. Maybe he just has a lot on his mind.
2. Am I jumping to conclusions?
This is the result of basing what you think on poor evidence. For instance, depressed people often believe that others are thinking critically about them. But none of us is a mind reader. How can you know what someone else is thinking? You may be right, but do not jump to conclusions. Stick to what you can be sure of. If you do not have enough evidence to make a good decision, see if you can find out more of the facts before you make up your mind.
e.g. My husband didn't like that meal I made for him. He thinks I'm a terrible cook.
Possible Answer All I know for sure is that he didn't eat it. I don't know whether he thinks I'm a terrible cook or not. Maybe he just wasn't hungry. But I can ask him.
3. What alternatives are there?
Is there another way to view this situation ?
Am I assuming my view of things is the only one possible?
There is more than one way of seeing any situation. How would you have reacted before you were depressed?
How would you react now on a day when you are feeling quite well?
How might another person see things?
What would you tell a friend who had the same thought?
Would you be thinking so black and white if it was another person in that situation instead of you?
e.g. That was a terrible mistake. I will never learn to do this properly.
Possible Answer If I wasn't depressed, I would probably shrug my shoulders and put it down to experience. I would do what I could to set things right. Tom just made the same mistake last week, and he made a joke of it.
4. Is this way of thinking Helpful?
Do negative thoughts help or hinder me?
What do you want?
What are your goals?
Do you want to overcome your depression, to be happy, and to make the most of your life?
Is the way you are thinking now helping you to achieve this? Or is it standing in your way?
e.g. This is hopeless. I should be able to do better than this by now. I'm never going to get the hang of answering my thoughts.
Possible Answer What I want is to get over my depression. Thinking this way is not going to help me to do that. It just makes me feel worse. It's no good telling yourself I should be doing better by now. What I need is practice, and if I keep putting myself down I will give up instead of practising.
5. What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way?
Many negative thoughts do have some pay off. That is what keeps them going. For example, they may allow you to avoid situations you find difficult. But do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages? If so, it may be worth your while to work out a new way of looking at things, which will give you the advantages, but avoid the disadvantages of the old way.
e.g. I must make a good impression at this party.
Possible Answer Advantage - I'll go out of my way to talk to people. If they do like me I'll feel great.
Disadvantage - if somebody doesn't seem to like me, Ill feel terrible and think badly of myself. So telling myself I must make a good impression just puts pressure on me, and makes it hard to relax and enjoy myself. It is impossible for everyone to like me all the time. If they do, that's nice. But if they don't, its not the end of the world.
6. Am I asking questions that have no answers?
This means questions like How can I undo the past?
Why aren't I different? What is the meaning of life?
Why is life so unfair?
Why does this always happen to me? And so on. Brooding over unanswerable questions is a guaranteed way to depress yourself. If you can turn them into answerable questions, so much the better. If not, do not waste time on them. Turn your thoughts towards something more constructive instead.
e.g. When will I be better again?
Possible Answer I can't answer that. Going over and over it just makes me worried and upset. I would do better to spend the time working out what I can do to help myself get over this depression as quickly as possible.
7. What thinking errors am I making?
Am I thinking in all or nothing terms? Nearly everything is relative. People, for instance, are not usually all good or all bad. They are a mixture of the two. Are you applying this kind of black and white thinking to yourself? Look for the shades of grey.
e.g. I did that really badly. I might as well not bother at all.
Possible Answer The fact is, I didn't do as well as I wanted to. That doesn't mean that it was no good at all. I can't expect to get everything 100% right. If I do I'll never be satisfied.
8. Am I using ultimatum or extreme words in my thinking? Watch out for words like "always", "never", "no one", "everything" and "nothing". The chances are that the situation is in fact less clear-cut than that. Mostly it is a case of sometimes, some people and some things.
e.g. Everything always goes badly for me.
Possible Answer What everything? That is an exaggeration. Some things do go badly for me, just as they do for everyone else, but some things go well.
9. Am I condemning myself as a person on the basis of a single event?
Depressed people often take difficulties to mean that they have no value at all as a person. Are you making this kind of blanket judgement?
You are made up of thousands of thoughts, feelings and actions. It is not fair to judge yourself as a person on the basis of a single one. This is especially true when you are depressed, because you will be biased to notice your weaknesses and faults, and to ignore your strengths and assets.
e.g. I was so irritable with the children this morning. I'm a terrible mother.
Possible Answer The fact that on a particular day, at a particular time, in particular circumstances, I was irritable does not make me a terrible mother.
10. Am I concentrating on my weakness and forgetting my strengths?
When people become depressed, they often overlook problems they handled successfully in the past, and forget resources and assets which would help them overcome current difficulties. Instead they focus on failures and weaknesses.
It may become difficult to think of a single good quality or talent. It is important to keep a balanced view of yourself. Of course there are things you are not very good at, things that you have done that you regret, and things about yourself that you would prefer to change.
But what about the other side of the equation? What are the things you are good at? What do you like about yourself when you are not depressed?
What do other people value in you? How have you coped with past difficulties in your life?
What are your assets and resources?
e.g. I've made a complete mess of my life. I hate myself. Why go on trying?
Possible Answer That's not true there are many things I have done well. I just can't see them clearly because the depression is getting in the way. If I was such a hopeless mess, I would have no friends. But I do have friends and someone somewhere values me. That must mean something. And the fact that I am trying to fight my depression is a sign of strength.
11. Am I blaming myself for something that is not really my fault?
For example depressed people often blame themselves for being depressed. They may put it down to lack of will power, weakness or inadequacy. They think they should pull themselves together and stop being so pathetic. When they find this impossible they become harshly self-critical. In fact depression is a very common problem; at any one time, more than one in ten people are experiencing symptoms of depression. Scientists have been studying depression for many years, and are still not certain what causes it.
Depression is genuinely a difficult problem to solve, and blaming yourself for it will only make you more depressed.
e.g. I must be really stupid to have these distorted thoughts.
Possible Answer Stupidity is one possible reason. But when I look at myself as a whole, there's not much evidence that I'm stupid. I have these thoughts because I'm depressed. That's not my fault, and I am doing what I can to sort it out. Once I'm feeling better, I'll think quite differently.
12. Am I taking things personally which have little or nothing to do with me? When things go wrong, depressed people often believe that in some way this is directed at them personally, or that it has been caused by them. In fact it may have had nothing to do with them.
e.g. Mary doesn't like me at all. She would never have shouted at me like that if she did.
Possible Answer I'm not the only person Mary shouts at. She is always on edge when things are not going well for her, and she shouts at whoever is around. I've seen her do it. She will get over it, and will probably apologise.
13. Am I expecting myself to be perfect?
people often set very high standards for themselves. For example, they may think that they should be able to deal with everything just as well when they are badly depressed as they would if they were feeling fine.
This is simply not realistic, and just opens the way to self-criticism and more depression. It is just not possible to get everything 100% right all the time. If you expect to do this, you are setting yourself up to fail.
Accepting that you cannot be perfect does not mean that you have to give up trying to do things well. But it means that you can be realistic, and take how you feel into account when you set targets for yourself.
That makes you more likely to succeed. Success makes you feel better, and the next step is then that much easier. Also, it means that you can learn from your difficulties and mistakes, instead of being upset and paralysed by them.
e.g. This is not good enough I should have finished everything I planned to do.
Possible Answer I can't always expect to carry out everything I plan. I'm not God- I make mistakes like everyone else. It would have been nice if I had finished, but the fact that I haven't isn't a disaster. Better to focus on what I have done, not on what I have failed to do. This way I will be encouraged to try again.
14. Am I using a double standard? You may be expecting more of yourself than you would of another person. How would you react to someone else in your situation?
e.g. I'm pathetic. I shouldn't be so upset by trivial things.
Possible Answer If someone else were upset by this situation, I would not think it was trivial. I would be sympathetic and try to help them find a solution. I certainly wouldn't call them pathetic.
15. Am I only paying attention to the black side of things? Are you, for instance focusing on everything that has gone wrong the entire day, and forgetting or discounting things you have enjoyed or achieved?
e.g. That was a really terrible day.
Possible Answer Hang on a moment, I was late for the meeting, and I had a disagreement with my daughter, but on the whole my work went well, and I enjoyed the cinema this evening. Only remembering the bad things is part of depression, so watch out for it.
16. Am I overestimating the chances of disaster?
Depressed people often believe that if things go at all wrong, disaster is sure to follow. If the day starts badly, for example it can only get worse. These ideas can act as self fulfilling prophecies. But how likely is it in fact that what you expect will happen? What can you do to change the course of events?
e.g. I didn't get all my work done today. I'll get sacked.
Possible Answer When was the last time they sacked someone in this firm for not having time to finish a job? It's perfectly normal not to finish on time, when we all have to work under such pressure. If my boss comments, I can explain the situation to him.
17. Am I exaggerating the importance of events? What difference does a particular event make in your life? What will you think about it in a week, a month, a year or 5 years from now? Will anyone else remember what happened? Will you? Even if you do will you feel the same about it? Probably not.
e.g. I made a real fool of myself yesterday. Ill never be able to face them again.
Possible Answer Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Most people didn't even notice. I don't suppose anyone who did thought much of it- they were probably too busy thinking of themselves. If it had happened when I wasn't depressed, I would have laughed about it. It certainly makes a good story.
18. Am I fretting about the way things ought to be, instead of accepting and dealing with them as they are?
Are you allowing events in the world at large to feed your depression?
Telling yourself life is not fair and people are bad? It is sad that there is so much suffering in the world, and you may decide to do what you can to change things. But getting depressed about it isn't going to help. If you have to, turn off the news !!
e.g. That TV programme about old people was so upsetting. Life is so cruel. It shouldn't be like this.
Possible Answer Things are as they are, and to want them different is unrealistic, like wishing I was 6 feet tall. The fact is that I'm not. Getting depressed about it is not going to help the situation. Why not see if I can visit someone in the old people's home down the road. That's at least something I can do.
19. Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation? Pessimism about the chances of changing things is central to depression. It makes you want to give up before you even start. But you cannot know that there is no solution to your problems until you try. Is the way you are thinking helping you to problem solve? Or is it making you turn down possible solutions without even giving them a go?
e.g. It's no good, I will never sort this out.
Possible Answer If I tell myself that, I certainly won't. I will sit down and work out what I need to do, step by step. Even if some of my solutions didn't work before, that doesn't mean to say they won't work now. I can work out what went wrong and how to get around it.
20. Am I predicting the future instead of experimenting with it?
The fact that you have acted in a certain way in the past does not mean that you have to act the same way in the future. If you predict the future, instead of trying something different and finding out what happens, you are cutting off the possibility of change. Change may be difficult, but it is not usually impossible.
e.g. I'll never manage to stand up for myself I never have.
Possible Answer The fact that I never have stood up for myself does not mean that I never can. If I do stand up for myself, I will feel uncomfortable at first. But if I stick with it, it will become easier. Also other people will respect me more. No one respects a doormat - they just walk on it.
This is a lot to take in so maybe just practice one at a time. But always, when you notice you have a negative thought in your head, challenge it, don't just let it wander around your head making itself bigger and badder, tell it to get lost and replace it with a positive thought !!
Claire
20 questions to challenge your negative thoughts
1. What is the evidence?
Am I confusing a thought with a fact? The fact that you believe something to be true, does not mean that it is. Does what you think fit the facts? Would it be accepted as true by other people? Would it stand up in court, or be dismissed as circumstantial? What evidence do you have to back up your thoughts, and what evidence is there against them?
e.g. When I met Peter in the street today, he didn't smile at me. I must have done something to offend him.
Possible Answer It is true that he didn't smile at me, but I have no reason to think that he is off with me. It was probably nothing at all to do with me. Maybe he just has a lot on his mind.
2. Am I jumping to conclusions?
This is the result of basing what you think on poor evidence. For instance, depressed people often believe that others are thinking critically about them. But none of us is a mind reader. How can you know what someone else is thinking? You may be right, but do not jump to conclusions. Stick to what you can be sure of. If you do not have enough evidence to make a good decision, see if you can find out more of the facts before you make up your mind.
e.g. My husband didn't like that meal I made for him. He thinks I'm a terrible cook.
Possible Answer All I know for sure is that he didn't eat it. I don't know whether he thinks I'm a terrible cook or not. Maybe he just wasn't hungry. But I can ask him.
3. What alternatives are there?
Is there another way to view this situation ?
Am I assuming my view of things is the only one possible?
There is more than one way of seeing any situation. How would you have reacted before you were depressed?
How would you react now on a day when you are feeling quite well?
How might another person see things?
What would you tell a friend who had the same thought?
Would you be thinking so black and white if it was another person in that situation instead of you?
e.g. That was a terrible mistake. I will never learn to do this properly.
Possible Answer If I wasn't depressed, I would probably shrug my shoulders and put it down to experience. I would do what I could to set things right. Tom just made the same mistake last week, and he made a joke of it.
4. Is this way of thinking Helpful?
Do negative thoughts help or hinder me?
What do you want?
What are your goals?
Do you want to overcome your depression, to be happy, and to make the most of your life?
Is the way you are thinking now helping you to achieve this? Or is it standing in your way?
e.g. This is hopeless. I should be able to do better than this by now. I'm never going to get the hang of answering my thoughts.
Possible Answer What I want is to get over my depression. Thinking this way is not going to help me to do that. It just makes me feel worse. It's no good telling yourself I should be doing better by now. What I need is practice, and if I keep putting myself down I will give up instead of practising.
5. What are the advantages and disadvantages of thinking this way?
Many negative thoughts do have some pay off. That is what keeps them going. For example, they may allow you to avoid situations you find difficult. But do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages? If so, it may be worth your while to work out a new way of looking at things, which will give you the advantages, but avoid the disadvantages of the old way.
e.g. I must make a good impression at this party.
Possible Answer Advantage - I'll go out of my way to talk to people. If they do like me I'll feel great.
Disadvantage - if somebody doesn't seem to like me, Ill feel terrible and think badly of myself. So telling myself I must make a good impression just puts pressure on me, and makes it hard to relax and enjoy myself. It is impossible for everyone to like me all the time. If they do, that's nice. But if they don't, its not the end of the world.
6. Am I asking questions that have no answers?
This means questions like How can I undo the past?
Why aren't I different? What is the meaning of life?
Why is life so unfair?
Why does this always happen to me? And so on. Brooding over unanswerable questions is a guaranteed way to depress yourself. If you can turn them into answerable questions, so much the better. If not, do not waste time on them. Turn your thoughts towards something more constructive instead.
e.g. When will I be better again?
Possible Answer I can't answer that. Going over and over it just makes me worried and upset. I would do better to spend the time working out what I can do to help myself get over this depression as quickly as possible.
7. What thinking errors am I making?
Am I thinking in all or nothing terms? Nearly everything is relative. People, for instance, are not usually all good or all bad. They are a mixture of the two. Are you applying this kind of black and white thinking to yourself? Look for the shades of grey.
e.g. I did that really badly. I might as well not bother at all.
Possible Answer The fact is, I didn't do as well as I wanted to. That doesn't mean that it was no good at all. I can't expect to get everything 100% right. If I do I'll never be satisfied.
8. Am I using ultimatum or extreme words in my thinking? Watch out for words like "always", "never", "no one", "everything" and "nothing". The chances are that the situation is in fact less clear-cut than that. Mostly it is a case of sometimes, some people and some things.
e.g. Everything always goes badly for me.
Possible Answer What everything? That is an exaggeration. Some things do go badly for me, just as they do for everyone else, but some things go well.
9. Am I condemning myself as a person on the basis of a single event?
Depressed people often take difficulties to mean that they have no value at all as a person. Are you making this kind of blanket judgement?
You are made up of thousands of thoughts, feelings and actions. It is not fair to judge yourself as a person on the basis of a single one. This is especially true when you are depressed, because you will be biased to notice your weaknesses and faults, and to ignore your strengths and assets.
e.g. I was so irritable with the children this morning. I'm a terrible mother.
Possible Answer The fact that on a particular day, at a particular time, in particular circumstances, I was irritable does not make me a terrible mother.
10. Am I concentrating on my weakness and forgetting my strengths?
When people become depressed, they often overlook problems they handled successfully in the past, and forget resources and assets which would help them overcome current difficulties. Instead they focus on failures and weaknesses.
It may become difficult to think of a single good quality or talent. It is important to keep a balanced view of yourself. Of course there are things you are not very good at, things that you have done that you regret, and things about yourself that you would prefer to change.
But what about the other side of the equation? What are the things you are good at? What do you like about yourself when you are not depressed?
What do other people value in you? How have you coped with past difficulties in your life?
What are your assets and resources?
e.g. I've made a complete mess of my life. I hate myself. Why go on trying?
Possible Answer That's not true there are many things I have done well. I just can't see them clearly because the depression is getting in the way. If I was such a hopeless mess, I would have no friends. But I do have friends and someone somewhere values me. That must mean something. And the fact that I am trying to fight my depression is a sign of strength.
11. Am I blaming myself for something that is not really my fault?
For example depressed people often blame themselves for being depressed. They may put it down to lack of will power, weakness or inadequacy. They think they should pull themselves together and stop being so pathetic. When they find this impossible they become harshly self-critical. In fact depression is a very common problem; at any one time, more than one in ten people are experiencing symptoms of depression. Scientists have been studying depression for many years, and are still not certain what causes it.
Depression is genuinely a difficult problem to solve, and blaming yourself for it will only make you more depressed.
e.g. I must be really stupid to have these distorted thoughts.
Possible Answer Stupidity is one possible reason. But when I look at myself as a whole, there's not much evidence that I'm stupid. I have these thoughts because I'm depressed. That's not my fault, and I am doing what I can to sort it out. Once I'm feeling better, I'll think quite differently.
12. Am I taking things personally which have little or nothing to do with me? When things go wrong, depressed people often believe that in some way this is directed at them personally, or that it has been caused by them. In fact it may have had nothing to do with them.
e.g. Mary doesn't like me at all. She would never have shouted at me like that if she did.
Possible Answer I'm not the only person Mary shouts at. She is always on edge when things are not going well for her, and she shouts at whoever is around. I've seen her do it. She will get over it, and will probably apologise.
13. Am I expecting myself to be perfect?
people often set very high standards for themselves. For example, they may think that they should be able to deal with everything just as well when they are badly depressed as they would if they were feeling fine.
This is simply not realistic, and just opens the way to self-criticism and more depression. It is just not possible to get everything 100% right all the time. If you expect to do this, you are setting yourself up to fail.
Accepting that you cannot be perfect does not mean that you have to give up trying to do things well. But it means that you can be realistic, and take how you feel into account when you set targets for yourself.
That makes you more likely to succeed. Success makes you feel better, and the next step is then that much easier. Also, it means that you can learn from your difficulties and mistakes, instead of being upset and paralysed by them.
e.g. This is not good enough I should have finished everything I planned to do.
Possible Answer I can't always expect to carry out everything I plan. I'm not God- I make mistakes like everyone else. It would have been nice if I had finished, but the fact that I haven't isn't a disaster. Better to focus on what I have done, not on what I have failed to do. This way I will be encouraged to try again.
14. Am I using a double standard? You may be expecting more of yourself than you would of another person. How would you react to someone else in your situation?
e.g. I'm pathetic. I shouldn't be so upset by trivial things.
Possible Answer If someone else were upset by this situation, I would not think it was trivial. I would be sympathetic and try to help them find a solution. I certainly wouldn't call them pathetic.
15. Am I only paying attention to the black side of things? Are you, for instance focusing on everything that has gone wrong the entire day, and forgetting or discounting things you have enjoyed or achieved?
e.g. That was a really terrible day.
Possible Answer Hang on a moment, I was late for the meeting, and I had a disagreement with my daughter, but on the whole my work went well, and I enjoyed the cinema this evening. Only remembering the bad things is part of depression, so watch out for it.
16. Am I overestimating the chances of disaster?
Depressed people often believe that if things go at all wrong, disaster is sure to follow. If the day starts badly, for example it can only get worse. These ideas can act as self fulfilling prophecies. But how likely is it in fact that what you expect will happen? What can you do to change the course of events?
e.g. I didn't get all my work done today. I'll get sacked.
Possible Answer When was the last time they sacked someone in this firm for not having time to finish a job? It's perfectly normal not to finish on time, when we all have to work under such pressure. If my boss comments, I can explain the situation to him.
17. Am I exaggerating the importance of events? What difference does a particular event make in your life? What will you think about it in a week, a month, a year or 5 years from now? Will anyone else remember what happened? Will you? Even if you do will you feel the same about it? Probably not.
e.g. I made a real fool of myself yesterday. Ill never be able to face them again.
Possible Answer Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Most people didn't even notice. I don't suppose anyone who did thought much of it- they were probably too busy thinking of themselves. If it had happened when I wasn't depressed, I would have laughed about it. It certainly makes a good story.
18. Am I fretting about the way things ought to be, instead of accepting and dealing with them as they are?
Are you allowing events in the world at large to feed your depression?
Telling yourself life is not fair and people are bad? It is sad that there is so much suffering in the world, and you may decide to do what you can to change things. But getting depressed about it isn't going to help. If you have to, turn off the news !!
e.g. That TV programme about old people was so upsetting. Life is so cruel. It shouldn't be like this.
Possible Answer Things are as they are, and to want them different is unrealistic, like wishing I was 6 feet tall. The fact is that I'm not. Getting depressed about it is not going to help the situation. Why not see if I can visit someone in the old people's home down the road. That's at least something I can do.
19. Am I assuming I can do nothing to change my situation? Pessimism about the chances of changing things is central to depression. It makes you want to give up before you even start. But you cannot know that there is no solution to your problems until you try. Is the way you are thinking helping you to problem solve? Or is it making you turn down possible solutions without even giving them a go?
e.g. It's no good, I will never sort this out.
Possible Answer If I tell myself that, I certainly won't. I will sit down and work out what I need to do, step by step. Even if some of my solutions didn't work before, that doesn't mean to say they won't work now. I can work out what went wrong and how to get around it.
20. Am I predicting the future instead of experimenting with it?
The fact that you have acted in a certain way in the past does not mean that you have to act the same way in the future. If you predict the future, instead of trying something different and finding out what happens, you are cutting off the possibility of change. Change may be difficult, but it is not usually impossible.
e.g. I'll never manage to stand up for myself I never have.
Possible Answer The fact that I never have stood up for myself does not mean that I never can. If I do stand up for myself, I will feel uncomfortable at first. But if I stick with it, it will become easier. Also other people will respect me more. No one respects a doormat - they just walk on it.
This is a lot to take in so maybe just practice one at a time. But always, when you notice you have a negative thought in your head, challenge it, don't just let it wander around your head making itself bigger and badder, tell it to get lost and replace it with a positive thought !!
Claire
